Almost famous!
[MIXED] Russell Peters
[MIXED] Massey Hall
Oh yeah! Russell!
[SNORING]
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
[INDIAN ACCENT] Oi, Russell!
[CHINESE ACCENT] Your mother is so fat...
[INDIAN ACCENT] What the heck did you say to me?
Do I look like Ryan's mom?
Somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad.
Oh yeah, so good!
Best bud, you like a hug?
That's what best bud is.
Oh my gut!
Mariaaa...!
Thank you!
Oh wow!
And now, ladies and gentlemen!
Canada's own, and the pride of Brampton, Ontario!
Toronto!
Give it up for your hometown boy!
Russell Peters!
Hey! Thank you!
Thanks! All right!
There you are! There you are! There's my city!
That's it. That's what I'm talking about.
Give it up for DJ Spinbad and Starting from Scratch, ladies and gentlemen!
Live DJing. Live!
Not dead. Live.
Asian guy, how are you? Good?
You're looking very anime.
What style are you? Filipino?
Chinese.
Chinese? Now, that's the main kind of Asian.
That's uh...
That's the one they make the most of. They, uh...
You can pick 'em up fairly cheap, there isn't a price.
There, uh...
What's your name?
Tak Sam Bong.
Ha ha ha! I'll do the jokes now.
Are you...
You're doing comedy is like watching, well, you drive.
Uh, that's...
How're you guys doing? You good?
Hey, all right. Hey, giant Asian guy! Wow, that's uh...
Crikey, you're a big one!
Um...
What style of Asian are you?
I'm Chinese.
You're Chinese. Look at that, huh?
How tall are you?
Six feet.
Six feet? In Chinese that's like...
It's like eight feet!
Which in Chinese that's a lucky number.
So, that's uh...
And what's your name?
Edward.
Edward. Oh, yeah, for sure, yeah.
No doubt. Absolutely, I believe that. I, uh...
What's your Chinese name, Edward?
I, uh...
Aiyah...
I don't know if you're hesitating or if that's actually your Chinese name.
Aiyah...
Oh, that's interesting. Aiyah.
Oh, my god, I'm so glad this job worked out, guys.
Cause, uh...
You can't act like this in any other job, you realize that?
I'd be in HR everyday.
Russell, do you know why you're here?
No.
You insulted somebody.
Who?
Everybody.
I'm not good at things Indian people supposed to do.
That's why I do this shit for living.
Anything Indian people can do, I can't do.
I'm mad, envious when I see Indian people doing smart, intelligent things in...
both studying and learning how to do something good.
I do. Many times I see...
Like doctors. How many doctors? Are there any doctors here tonight?
Look at that! Look at that!
Only in my audience we have damn many fucking doctors.
Where's the doctor? Where are you?
Right there. What kind of a doctor are you?
Gynecologist.
Gynecologist. Oh, wow, that's uh...
Any openings?
I, uh...
And where's the other doctor? You, bro? Right there?
What kind of a doctor are you?
Orthopedic.
Orthopedic. Is that a real doctor?
Let me ask the gynecologist.
No. She says no.
Where's the other doctor?
What are you?
Surgeon.
Surgeon. That's a real doctor as far as I'm concerned.
What kind of surgeon?
General Surgeon.
Gen- Genital Surgeon?
It's how he said.
Oh, general. General Surgeon. That makes...
I was like, hey, you're cutting into her business. You're, uh...
So out of the three doctors, you're the least...
Um...
And that's your buddy with you, with the caterpillar on his forehead?
Um...
Look at that eyebrow. That is fucking incredible!
We'll get a shot at that.
Oh, God!
That is impressive!
That, uh...
Damn! That's, uh...
Spring time is here.
That thing's gonna turn into a butterfly in no time.
I'm glad there's real doctors here.
That's all I'm trying to say, cause...
I asked the audience, any doctor here?
And this Indian guy got up, all proud. He's like...
I'm a doctor.
I go, what kind of a doctor are you?
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm like, that's not a doctor, ever.
An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor than a fucking psychiatrist.
If shit goes down, you're not hoping there's a psychiatrist around.
Flew on an airplane, like...
There's an emergency on board. Do we have a doctor?
I'm a doctor.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Sir, this gentleman is having a heart attack.
Fuck!
All right, let me, uh...
Let me go talk to him.
Uh, sir.
Sir!
Sir, let go of your chest.
Sir, what makes you think you're having a heart attack right now?
It goes back to his childhood.
What's your name, Doctor Orthopedic?
Jamal.
Jamal. Oh, shit.
And where's your family from?
Saudi.
Saudi. Oh, shit. Double shit!
Triple shit. We're all in shit.
And where do you practice? Here or there?
Hamilton.
Hamilton. Yeah, ugh...
I mean, oh, great!
Being in Hamilton, you must missed, uh...
Saudi. Um...
And, uh, Doctor Genitals, uh...
Doctor General, sir, what's your name?
Sundeep.
Sundeep. Oh, that's my people right there for sure.
You got this shit on luck, Jamal.
And how long have you been a doctor for, Sundeep?
Ten years.
Ten years. And you brand new, fuck that.
I, uh... How old are you?
Forty one.
How long did it take you to become a doctor?
Sorry?
A long time.
A long time. Yeah, thanks.
Okay.
I think I was already implying that. I, uh...
I was actually asking for an actual timeline.
Where do you study? Here?
Yeah.
Why didn't you just go to India?
You can become a doctor in four and a half years in India.
Do you know that? If you go to India to become a doctor,
Four and a half years, and you're a doctor.
In North America, ten, eleven, twelve years to become a doctor.
You know why? Because we're soft over here.
Over here, we're like,
well, they need summer off so their brains can relax.
India's like, fuck you!
They don't learn lesson in India. They learn...
just as much, if not more.
They just crammed it into four and a half years in India.
There's a billion people. We need doctors!
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!
Study! Study! Study! Study!
Where did you grow up?
Mississauga.
Yeah! Whoo!
First of all, you can't let out a hood.
Yeah! It's...
It's Mississauga, you fucking dummies, all right?
It's not like...
They're all like, oh shit!
I was like, it's Mississauga.
It's Mississauga and he's a doctor. How gangster do you think his life was?
I got to be honest with you, Sundeep.
It's nothing personal, but I would never go to you as a doctor.
Um...
I would never go to an Indian guy that became a doctor.
Especially one that was born and raised in this part of the world.
Fuck that.
If you were born and raised here, you had real dreams, and it was never to become a doctor.
Let's be honest.
I go to an Indian woman that became a doctor.
Obviously not you, cause you know, I...
I have boy parts. But...
I would go to an Indian woman that became a doctor,
cause when an Indian woman becomes a doctor,
that means she really wanted to be a doctor.
'Cause even her parents was like,
Sweetie, you don't have to become a doctor.
You can just marry a doctor.
She's like, fuck you! I want to be a doctor.
I need that kind of determination from my doctor, you know.
Well, you had dreams when you're fourteen years old.
Right, Sundeep? And it wasn't to be a doctor.
That's not what a fourteen years old dreams about.
A fourteen year old has dreams that, uh...
ridiculous.
That your dream at fourteen should never be logical.
It should just be the dumbest shit you're doing at fourteen.
I'll tell you what my dream was when I was fourteen.
And it wasn't to be a comedian.
I didn't even know this job existed.
My dream... It will make you feel better about whatever your dream was.
Um...
My dream at fourteen was what I thought I was gonna do for the rest of my life.
I thought... I want to be a dancer.
All right, first of all, fuck you, all right?
Second of all, not a stripper.
I was...
I was a breakdancer, I was like...
Yo! I'm gonna do this shit forever!
Not a realistic goal, though.
What was your dream when you're fourteen year old boy,
growing up on a mean street at Mississauga,
Sundeep?
Now, be honest. Don't make no bullshit up.
A musician.
Huh?
A musician.
A musician. Did you play any instrument?
Yes.
Oh good, that's a good start. I always...
I always have Indian guys yell out shit they never did.
I wanted to be in the NBA.
Did you play basketball?
Not once.
I just love giant black men.
And I just...
What instrument did you play?
Guitar.
Guitar. You good?
Pretty good.
You still throw down on it?
Pretty well.
Yeah?
So you want to be a musician. I know what happened.
Tell me if I'm right.
You're about seventeen, eighteen years old.
You're sitting in your room,
playing with your...
guitar.
And, uh...
And your mom walked in.
And you're thinking I'm gonna be a musician,
your mom walked in, and went...
Sundoo,
'Cause that's all you need to do for an Indian nickname,
all you need is...
add two Os to whatever you want the nickname to be.
Sundoo, like, like, Edward.
Edwoo...
Well, that could be your name, Edwoo, sorry, that, um...
That didn't work cause, uh...
He might very well be an Edwoo.
He, uh...
Your mom walked in, Sundoo...
You're going to college.
Why don't you become a doctor?
You're like, what's wrong with your face?
If you become a doctor, you can fix it!
So you put your guitar down, and...
picked up stethoscope, and it was all over after that.
That's why I could never go to you.
I don't want my doctor do have other dreams about doing something else.
My doctor in America,
is going to be a black guy,
from the hood,
who grew up with every disadvantaged, real hood.
Like in the hood, hood.
Like we're the... where people like...
Yo, cuz.
Let's go kill some motherfuckers today!
I want my doctor to be the guy that said,
No, man!
I'm gonna be a doctor!
And everybody in the hood was like,
Ain't nobody fuck with dePharel!
He goin' to be a doctor and shit!
That's how I know I got the right doctor cause he'll say,
"and shit" at the end of sentences.
He'll look pissed off when I walk into the doctor's office.
That's the doctor I want.
Hi, Mr. Peters.
Seems your nasal passage is inflamed and shit!
Did you fill out this little bitch-ass prescription?
Call on me tomorrow, motherfucker!
That's the right doctor for me.
I don't want my doctor to be some bratty Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga.
Half-way through an operation, you just go...
Fuck this shit!
I wanna play guitar, Annie!
[MIMICKING INDIAN DANCE]
And the black guy has to run...
Don't worry, doc, I got this.
This goin' hurt and shit.
I never have to worry about doing anything great with my life.
I didn't. I didn't have that pressure.
I didn't have that Indian pressure that a lot of Indian kids have.
Do something great. My parents knew I was an idiot.
From a very young age, my parents was like...
Oh, man...
I was a terrible student. I hated school.
I never have to work, cause my parents...
my parents never had careers. They never had professions.
They just had jobs. That's all to it.
There are no professional in my family on either side.
Just a bunch of dummies.
You know what I mean? Like...
We're regular, we're like, hard-working people.
Just regular jobs. My mom worked in K-Mart.
Not in head office. In the store.
And my dad worked...
I never really understood... You ask my dad what he did,
What do you do? I looked.
Where?
At my job.
What do you do?
Job-related work.
I never really understood what my dad did, though.
I remember I was five years old and my dad was gonna work,
And I stopped him and I go, Dad, Dad! Where are you going?
He goes, look.
I go, what do you do?
I work at a chicken plant.
And then he left.
You can't just tell a five year-old that you work at a chicken plant,
and then walk out of the house.
I'm five years old. I can't comprehend what a chicken plant is.
I know what a chicken is.
And I know what a plant is.
For the next seven years I told people
that my dad planted chickens.
It wasn't until I was twelve, I was like,
Dad! He was gonna work. Dad, dad,
what exactly do you do? He goes,
I check to see if the chickens are good or not.
And then he left.
And I still didn't know what that meant.
I literally pictures my dad standing around, going...
Good chicken...
Stop the line!
Bad chicken.
I didn't even know what he did to the bad chicken.
Just come here, I wanna talk to you for a minute. Come here.
Come here.
Listen, you need to get your shit together, okay?
Start clucking like the rest of them.
Don't be such a cock.
Never had to worry about school.
I mean, I did, because I was in it.
But my parents gave up.
They gave up early, they knew, you know...
They would literally begged me, they're like,
Son, please, just try and get fifty.
It's a pass. Just get fifty.
I'm not bragging.
Nor am I glorifying this, but...
Um... This is an actual mark I got in Grade 9 Typing.
Typing, all right?
It was 1984. Don't judge me.
There were no computers yet.
It was an actual typewriter.
Um... My typing, my final mark was...
Thirteen percent.
Even my dad was like, Son...
Son...
You hit a new low.
Do you realize you get 25% just for signing your name correctly?
What fucking name did you put?
They gave up when I was a teenager.
They do.
I mean my only rule when I leave the house, was like,
Dad, I'm going to the mall.
Okay, son. Oh, don't die.
That was their only rule.
Don't die. We've already failed enough.
We don't need the ultimate failure.
Well, don't die while I'm alive.
After I die, die as many times as you want, but...
while I'm here, don't die.
Never had to worry about a career or a job.
Well, a job, yes.
Just not a profession.
I remember when I was sixteen, my dad came and he goes,
Son, one day,
you won't be in school anymore.
I was like, I'm gonna graduate?
No, son, son.
Focus, son. Focus, focus, come on.
It's never going to happen, okay?
When you're not in school, you're going to need to get a job.
I said, of course I'm going to get a job. I'm not a freeloader.
And if you know anybody hiring,
let me know.
He goes, well, the airport is hiring.
Here's how dumb I was.
My dad said the airport was hiring, and I was like, oh my god.
My dad wants me to be a pilot.
Oh, well, dad, you want me to be a pilot?
Oh my god, son, no, no, no. Oh my god, no.
Oh my god, oh my lantern.
No, no, no, no. Oh my god.
Son, you are far too stupid for that job.
People's lives are at stake.
I go, what the hell am I gonna do at the airport?
My dad goes,
baggage handler!
What the hell's a baggage handler?
My dad sells the shit out of that to me.
What's a baggage handler?
Son, let me tell you something, okay?
These people are an integral part,
of millions of people travel plans throughout the year.
I was like, damn!
Well, what does that job entail?
Basically,
baggage handler's job is...
You take the baggage,
and you putt it on the plane.
What, what do I do?
You take the baggage,
and you putt it on the plane.
I putt it on the plane?
You putt it on the plane.
I putt it?
You putt it.
Like, putt?
Like, putt.
Like...
Don't be stupid, okay?
That's putting.
Focus, son! Focus, focus!
I said, dad, I want to be a breakdancer!
Son, son...
You can dance on your break.
Anything Indian people can do, I can't do.
I'm always impressed whenever you do something intelligent.
Like computer. I'm shit on a computer.
I'm not good... Are you good at computer, Edward?
You're Chinese. You'd better be good at computer.
Fucking make them all day,
the least you can do is be good on them, I mean...
Do you work with a computer for a living?
Yeah, saw you again.
What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac?
I prefer PC.
PC, nice, yeah. That's how you know you're good at computer.
People don't believe me when I said I'm not good at computer, like,
You're Indian.
Supposed to be good on computer.
An Indian guy says he's not good on computer,
is like a black guy going, I ain't got no rhythm.
PC. That's the show off.
You know, that's like, uh...
I know how to get on a computer and avoid diseases.
I use a Mac,
because Macs are stupid people-friendly.
I'm a stupid people.
The real reason I use a Mac,
is cause I go to a lot of questionable websites.
Look, what I'm trying to tell you is...
If you're gonna surf porn, surf porn on a Mac.
Surfing porn on a Mac is like having sex with a condom on.
You know, you're like, I don't care what she has.
[CACKLING]
I'm not gonna get anything.
Surfing porn on a PC is like raw dogging a hooker, you know.
Oh my god, it feels good, looks good!
It sucks get in!
Oh my god, it burns when I download!
You know, the worst day of my life,
the worst day of my life is when I have a problem with my laptop.
And I have to call the 1-800 number on the back of it.
I don't care if they divert source to call the Indian,
That actually makes me happy.
Part that bothers me is that guy in India,
knows who I am.
I call up on 'em, yeah, I have a problem with my laptop.
Okay sir, and your good name?
Like, I'm sorry?
Your good name.
My good name?
What is that, my password? Do you want my password?
No, no, sir, your good name. Your good name.
Fuck, what the fuck is my good name?
Sir, your surname, your family name.
Oh, why didn't you say do?
Uh, Peters.
Ookay.
And your forest name?
What's that?
Your forest name.
I di- don't have a forest name, no.
Enchanted?
I supposed if I was in a forest, my name would be Lost.
What are you asking me right now?
No, no, sir, your forest name, your forest name.
The fuck is forest name, forest name? What is that?
Slow down, buddy.
Ookay, sir. Your forst name.
That's the same fucking thing!
Sir, the name you used on a daily basis.
Oh, sorry man.
Uh, Russell.
Ookay.
[GASPS] Huh?
Noo waay!
Is that really you?
I'm all proud, I'm like,
Yes. Yes, it is.
He goes, well, well, well...
All those jokes you made, huh?
Now, who needs help, huh?
Okay, bastard, here's what we're going to do.
I'm going to mirror your computer.
You're gonna what?
Mirror your computer.
You're going to mirror my computer? What does that mean?
I'm going to gain full access to your laptop,
remotely.
Oh, really? How do you think that...
And I just see the mouse moving around in my screen.
I'm like, what the hell happened?
He goes, I have gained full access to your laptop.
Let's quickly go through your history.
You know what? Let's not go through my history.
How about that?
Well, well, well...
Lusty grandmas.
It was a pop-up.
I'm sure it popped up just fine, huh?
Seems to pop up three, four times a day.
How you doing, sir? You good?
What's your name?
Vincent.
Vince. Italian?
Yep.
I can tell by who's Vince.
I'm Italian, I'm Vince!
Oh, it's gonna sound like I'm doing illegal shit.
I love talking Italian, guys,
you always fuck the air when you talk, you never see that?
Bro! Where you been?
I'm on the 400. I'm going north...
Ah! Not the 400!
401!
You don't need to go this way. You need to go that way!
Is that your lovely wife, eh, Vince?
Hi, lovely wife. How are you?
How long have you guys been together for?
Twenty one years.
Twenty one years. That's great! Yeah, that's good.
Kids?
Not you two. I meant, do you have kids?
Yeah.
One girl.
One girl. How old?
Thirteen.
Thirteen. Nice. You waited. That's nice.
Have you enjoyed each other for few years and then...
Pfft!
Send one home, you know?
Just probably bent over in the kitchen to grab something,
and you're on the phone giving directions.
Vince, I just need to get this part...
What are you doing?
My god, I'm pregnant.
One girl. That's all you want, right? One kid.
You only need... Yeah, I got one, I got a daughter as well.
I like her.
She's, um...
One's all you need. I'm not...
I don't want more than one kid. I'm not fucking collecting them.
You know what I mean? They're not...
They're not going up in value, you know.
Besides, one and done for me.
I think the real reason I never wanted more kid is because...
I know me, and I know what an idiot I am.
And I'm one of those people who's got dazzled by new things.
So I don't want my daughter to be, like, you know, the...
object and everything in my life,
and then a new kid comes along and I go...
Beat it, kid. Look at this one.
And then, she's like, I thought you love me.
I do, but look at this new one. It's so much brighter, and...
So, I know what an idiot I am.
So she's gonna be the one and done, you know.
Did you spoil her?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah? How old are you, Vince?
Forty six.
Forty Six. We're the same age.
You know what I mean? Yeah, no problem!
Forty Six!
And you had immigrant parents, Vince?
Yeah. From Italy?
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Immigrant parents, they don't play.
Immigrant parents don't give you idle threats,
they tell you to do something, they fucking mean do that.
There's no negotiating,
you don't talk back to your parents,
so you're telling you've got a scarf right on your fucking head, right?
Let me tell you what happened.
My daughter, right? She was in her bedroom.
Um... Laying on her bed.
And I burst into her room, right?
First of all, she's five. She's not doing anything weird.
Uh...
Second of all, it's my house. I'll burst into whatever room I want, right?
So, my daughter is laying on her bed with her iPad, watching...
uh, Frozen, you know,
as children do.
And, uh, so I burst in, I'm like,
Baby!
And I guess it startled her,
But she didn't react like a five year old.
She reacted like a woman.
She got angry.
Not like a little kid.
She became a woman instantly.
I was like, Baby!
And she went, shh!
Without using any word, my daughter went, motherfucker!
Do you not see what I'm doing?
And if your kid ever called you a motherfucker,
you can't get mad.
Because, yeah.
You are, Vince?
You weren't a motherfucker, they wouldn't be here.
If there's any kid in here tonight,
I want you to try calling your dad a motherfucker when you get home.
Um, you look young, buddy, when, yeah...
So try it, but you can't do it while you're angry.
You got to do it when everything is calm, you know.
Like, uh, when you're at the dinner table,
Uh, ma, this pot roast is fantastic.
Hey, motherfucker, can you pass the peas?
Sure, what the fuck?
But, she got so mad,
And it was just immediate, shh!
And I just thought it's hilarious.
I started laughing immediately.
Now I don't know if it's because I'm a comedian,
and I find everything funny, or I'm just a shit parent.
But my little daughter went, shh!
And I just thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
And the more I laugh, the angrier she got.
Like a real woman.
And the angrier she got, the more I laugh.
Until she was just like, Daddy, stop it!
And I'm like, I can't!
But I thought about it.
I can't picture, I can't even imagine,
one single time in my life,
let alone at five,
that I could ever said "shh" to my parents.
Imagine, sitting in the living room, watching TV,
and my dad walked in, "Russell!"
Shh!
You don't shush me!
I'll throw the TV at you!
This was 1975,
when TVs weigh 1800 pounds!
When it was more than just a TV,
it was a TV, it was a speaker system,
and it was a shelving unit.
It had a turntable on the top, with a cassette deck, and an 8-track player,
and it has a shitty doily that ran across the top.
It had a vase with plastic flowers in it, for no reason.
Do you remember the plastic flowers?
They were huge in the Indian world.
Indian communities,
Plastic? Wait, wait, so we just buy the one flower,
one time.
And you don't have to replenish it.
Genius!
Absolute genius!
And anyway, my dad was so cheap,
remember those plastic flowers, they were like this long.
And they wanna wire plastic in it,
My dad was so cheap, he bought one,
but then he bought a vase that was only this big.
So, we have to bend the wire.
So, now you have half a flower and half a wire sticking out.
And nobody ever dusted them or cleaned them,
so they were all, they were never the color they were.
People walked by, "Ooh!"
Oh, red. Nice, nice.
Think about how angry your parents were all the time.
They were just mad.
Always. I don't know why the fuck they were always so mad.
They weren't mad at you. They were just mad.
Our parents... Our parents have no problem disappointing us, did they?
I'll do whatever it takes to not disappoint my daughter.
If I tell her I'm gonna do something,
I'll do that, plus something else.
Just... you know, cause we're idiots.
'Cause we grew up wanting things.
'Cause I never had more than I needed,
I never did without, but I never had any extra shit.
Like, I would get the one pair of shoes every year on September,
for school. And it was like,
Son, you're getting one new pair of sneakers.
I'm like, yes!
Let's go see what Biway has.
I have a coupon.
I, too, am getting a pair.
I would get one toy a year.
One toy.
On my birthday. It was such a bullshit deal, though.
My birthday would come up, and my dad was like,
Son, let's go the toy store.
And we go to the toy store, and my dad is like,
You can have anything...
in this bucket right here.
Everything's broken in it.
This gun is in two pieces.
Why don't you look at it as two guns?
The glass is half full.
So when you grew up like that, when you want things your whole life,
when you got a little bit of money, you'd do it.
I got a little bit of money, I start buying everything I ever wanted.
And then I spoil my daughter.
I buy her, I buy her shit she doesn't even know she wants.
I just buy it because I would've fucking wanted it.
But not wanting to disappoint your child can backfire on you.
Let me tell you what happened.
A couple of years ago, I moved into this new house,
and I was building, not building, I, uh...
had a really nice bedroom for my daughter.
I do have, not had.
And then I lose the shit. I, uh...
And I want to get a really cool bed.
I was like, baby, I wanna get you a really fun bed.
And she's like, yeah, I want a fun bed!
She was three at the time.
And then I go, come on, come here.
Sit with me, and we'll look at beds online.
She goes, okay.
So, I pull out my laptop, and I go to Google,
Put 'safe search' on, cause I'm not an idiot.
I don't need dicks flying up on her, I'm trying to look at stuffs, so,
I put 'safe search' on,
And then I typed in 'cool beds for little girls'
And, and, and all these cool beds showed up online.
Like, shit I didn't even dream about seeing, and then,
And she goes, daddy, I want a castle bed.
And I'm like, I want a castle bed, too.
I mean, for you.
So we find this castle bed. It's amazing!
It's a queen size bed on the bottom. Full queen size bed.
And then it got stairs that lead upstairs,
to a double bed, and it has a steeple, like a castle.
And then it has a slide that comes around the other side.
And my daughter was like, daddy, I want that one!
And I go like, I want you to have that one, too!
And we were like, high-fiving. Yay! Yay!
And she goes, is it gonna be here tomorrow?
I go, let me first buy it.
So, I'm like, 'Add to Cart,' 'Yes.'
And, 'Checkout,' 'Yes.'
And she's like, I wanna be here!
Let me, hold on, let me just hit 'Purchase.' 'Purchase.'
Ten thousand dollars.
I'm like, fuck me! My daughter was like, what?
No, no, no, no, no!
And I had to buy it because she was sitting right there,
And I got her all excited about it,
and I bought a ten thousand dollar bed for a fucking three year old,
and this little bitch hasn't slept in it for months!
Two fucking years, the jet is walking on that goddamn bed!
She has a queen size bed.
From the age of three.
I never had a queen size bed until I was thirty.
And that was because I moved out from my parents' house.
And I know, for you, like, thirty?
I'm like, for an Indian guy, that's pretty young.
I was... I was thirty when I moved out.
My brother was thirty six. He was...
He goes, "where you going?" I'm moving out.
Well, I'd better go with you. I don't want to look like a loser.
It's too late, you're thirty six. It's...
You have kids, sir?
Yes.
How many?
Two.
Two. Are those them?
Was your kid, or your...
No? Okay.
I just thought, two more white people,
I figure they might be yours, you know.
What do you have?
A daughter and a son.
A daughter and a son. And who's older? The daughter or the son?
Daughter.
Daughter. Which one do you like better?
Both.
Both? Wait, wait, listen to the question, sir.
What's your name?
Greg.
Greg. Okay, Greg.
When I asked you which one of your kids do you like better,
I'm not asking you which one do you love more?
I don't think you love either of them more than other, correct?
Yes.
You love them both equally. You don't want anything bad to happen to either of them.
But you like one better.
It's human nature, Greg.
Listen, liking one of your children more than the other,
is literally the difference between running and walking.
Let me explain.
You're in the living room. You're watching TV.
And all of a sudden you hear somebody fall down the stairs.
Aahh!
Oh my god! Who was that?
"It's me!" Oh my god!
Right? Okay.
You're sitting in the living room. You're watching TV. All of a sudden, you hear,
Aahh!
Oh my god, who was that?
It's me!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
You're still gonna go.
But which one are you running for?
Probably the girl, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
How old are they?
My daughter is fourteen.
You daughter's fourteen,
Son, twenty eight.
Your son's twenty eight. Wait, I thought your son was younger.
He's older.
Oh, he's older.
Oh yeah, that's the baby, always. That's the little girl, right?
Yeah, that's why we work.
What's your name, buddy?
Omar. Where's your family from?
Egypt. Oh, shit, that sphinx.
Um...
Nope, that joke flew right past them. Nice, I like that.
I waited on it for a second, but no, didn't know anyway.
And is that your girlfriend? Your wife?
My wife.
Your wife. And she's not Egyptian, right?
Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you...
Are you a hostage?
Blink if you need help.
Now, you grew up in Poland, when did you move to Canada?
In '82.
'82. So, when you grew up in Poland,
Uh... Were you learning... But were they speaking Russian back then?
I had to take Russian.
You had to take Russian. Yeah, I knew that, right?
So you speak Russian, or understand it to a certain degree?
Just a little.
Yeah. I just learned how to say "How are you?" in Russian.
You know how to say "How are you?" in Russian, Vince?
"Cock dealer."
I swear.
There's a Russian guy walks in, goes "Hey, cock dealer!"
I go, hey, hey, hey, man!
I don't give a shit if you're a blackjack dealer, all right?
Come around here, I'll front me, all right?
You find vatch dealer, send her over.
I like listening to people speak Russian.
You ever heard people speak Russian?
It's amazing. They just sound like they're talking backwards the whole time.
Vladimir,
[MOCK RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Bliad!
That's a real swear word in Russian. Bliad!
It's almost like they didn't have a swear word.
Some guy drank too much vodka one night.
Boris, how do you feel?
Bliad!
It feels bliad!
Are there any Russian people here?
Oh?
All right, where are you?
You Russian, bro?
Yeah.
What's your name?
Anan.
What? Anan?
Omar?
Jamal?
Where are you from, Anan?
My parents are from Uzbekistan.
Your parents are from Uzbekistan. Oh yeah, that makes more sense.
There's uh, so yeah, you're Russian. You speak Russian?
Yeah.
Nice. Well, maybe you can clear this up for me.
Um...
Last summer, I had to do some plumbing work on my house.
In Los Angeles.
And I hired these two Russian plumbers.
Great guys. For some of you just say this. They're great guys.
They were reasonably priced, they were on time,
they were tidy, they didn't go to work.
And they never gave me any problem. They were respectful.
But...
Every day when they were coming to work,
they would call me by my last name, and then giggled like little kids.
Good morning Mr. Peters.
[LAUGHING]
I was like, "It's Peters. Mr. Peters."
Okay, Peter. [LAUGHS]
You know what, just call me Russell.
Okay, Russell Peter. [LAUGHS]
And I'm like, what the fuck are they laughing at?
So I called on my Russian friends,
I'm like, yo, every day these guys come to the house,
they called me by my last name, and they giggled.
He goes, what are they saying?
Mr. Peter.
And he was like, ha ha ha ha!
That's messed up, man.
I go, why?
Yeah, your last name.
In Russian it means faggot.
Like, you mean gay?
No.
Homosexual?
No. Faggot.
Mr. Peter. Ha ha ha ha. Seems your pipes are blocked.
Nice castle bed, Peter. Ha ha ha ha!
I'm what they call a sleeper.
I, uh... I'm lazy.
That's what I'm trying to say.
I love sleep. Like I genuinely,
if I can get fourteen hours a day, I'm good.
I think I might have been, like a koala in my last life, or something,
you know what I mean?
I just love to sleep.
Now, let me tell you something. I've been doing stand-up for twenty seven years.
Not because... I do love what I do, don't get it wrong.
But I didn't get into this because I was like,
Oh, I'm gonna be a fucking... One day I'll be something.
No, I got into this because in 1989,
I was standing around with my friends, and I was like,
Yo, I want to get a job,
where I can sleep all day.
And then work for, like, I don't know, an hour?
My friend goes, uh, comedian?
I'm like, I'll take it!
You don't know how.
I'll figure it out.
This isn't talent. This is determination.
For sleep!
I love sleep.
And when we're sleeping with you, ladies,
and I mean sleeping with you. Just sleeping.
You need to know that your man respects your sleep.
Because a man...
I mean, when I'm sleeping with my girlfriend beside me,
I would do whatever it takes to not disturb her sleep.
And I would hope she would do the same.
But I would do whatever it takes to not ruin her sleep.
Obviously, there's those times when you roll over in the middle of the night, you know.
And we'll do that until we've looked... Gosh! You're loiter!
Oh my god! Thank god you woke me up. I was having a nightmare.
But other than that,
we'll do whatever it takes to not disturb your sleep.
When we're sleeping with you, ladies...
And I know this for me, especially.
When my girlfriend is asleep beside me,
I'll do whatever it takes to not disturb her.
And more often that not, now, especially after forty,
Like, 3:30 in the morning, I got waken up, 'cause I have to pee.
And then I'm like, look at her, all pretty and sleepy.
I don't want to disturb her, so I'm gonna risk a bladder infection.
And I just go back to sleep, right?
And then about ten minutes into my sleep, I start dreaming about peeing.
That's your body going, hey asshole!
Didn't I try to tell you something a minute ago?
And the minute when you start dreaming about peeing,
that's when you have to get up and go do it.
'Cause your body's like, uh huh, we're not playing this game.
And when I finally agree with myself I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
I become the most stealth-like ninja human being,
you've ever seen in your life.
I start edging towards my side of the bed,
and while I'm doing that, I'm pushing up the blanket right behind her, you know.
So that way it feels like I'm still there.
And when I get to the edge of the bed,
I literally pour myself out of the bed.
And then I get up.
And when you get up to go to the bathroom, you're more, like,
Guys, you have to make an announcement.
it doesn't have to be loud, it doesn't have to disturb anybody.
But you have to say, "I just got to pee."
'Cause if you don't, and she wakes up, and you're not there,
she immediately assumes you're sleeping with somebody else.
It's a safety thing, it's an insurance policy.
She doesn't have to react to it, she doesn't even have to move.
You just have to say "I just got to pee."
And she's dreaming, she's asleep. She's dreaming about playing tennis.
I just got to pee.
Now I've made my announcement, I'm ready to go to the bathroom.
And I know all the squeaks are on the floor so I avoid them.
I tip-toe the whole way.
And I get to the bathroom door.
When you got to the bathroom door, guys, this is very important.
You have to grip the handle firmly. Very firmly.
And I open it so slowly. I turn the knob so slowly.
You could literally hear the spring inside recoiling.
Like, coil by coil.
Twang.
Twang, twang, twang.
And you're like, shut the fuck up, door!
But you're the only one who can hear it.
And when you got it unlocked, you have to open it swiftly.
You have to push it open quick, you can't do it slow.
This thing just go, creeak, right? So you got to...
[QUICK CREAK]
And then...
Then I reach around on the inside, and I grab the handle,
and then I close the door slowly, and then,
Twang, twang, twang.
Now I'm able to go to the toilet. And I head to the toilet.
Now when you got to the toilet guys, this is very important.
You have to pee to the inside of the bowl.
Because you don't wanna make... There's no sense you go tip-toeing and,
Twang, twang, twang, and then...
And she just... You just hear,
[WATER SPLASHING]
[WATER DROPS]
[FART SOUND]
You gotta pee to the side of the bowl.
You don't wanna break water, right?
So you pee to the inside of the bowl,
so, the pee just cascade into the water.
And there's no noise.
And then when I'm done,
I take the seat and the lid, and I close it.
And then I flush.
'Cause I'm trying to mute the noise as much as possible.
And then I stand there and I wait until the tank refills.
Then and only then do I head back to the bedroom.
I don't wash my hands.
All right, first of all, I took a shower right before I went to bed.
Second of all, it's my dick. It wasn't dragging through mud all day.
Literally a minute ago, it was asleep on my balls.
And just so you know, ladies.
Nine times out of ten when a guy goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night,
we didn't even use our hands.
We'd pee like Superman. Just...
So I tip-toe my way back to bed,
and when I get to the matress, I put my shoulder on it first.
You got to put your shoulder on the bed, and then I put one leg up, right?
So I got an even distribution of weight on the bed, right?
And then I just do this little jujitsu kind of roll, you know,
I kinda roll my whole body and then I roll onto the bed,
and then, whoop, whoop, whoop.
And, bam, my arm ends up right around her.
And she has no clue that I left and went to the bathroom.
And we do it that way, ladies,
because men respect a woman's sleep.
Now,
when a woman has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night,
she doesn't give a shit if you haven't slept in four years.
If she gets woken up from her sleep, it's everybody's problem.
They don't wake up and think to themselves, I have to pee.
They wake up, and like, "Oh my god! I got to pee!"
And then she hurls the blanket.
Hurls the blanket off her!
So violently, they come right off of me,
I'm like, I'm freezing, I'm freezing right now. What...?
And this beautiful petite little woman leaps out of bed like a cat,
but lands like a hippopotamus. Just...
Bo-boom!
And she goes and find her tap shoes cause she wants to make extra noise on the way,
[TAPPING SOUNDS]
Then she gets to the door handle, boom bam bing,
slips inside her hands,
slams her a whack.
Gets into the toilet, goes lift the seat,
it slips out of her finger, whack!
Loudest noise in the world.
Then she sits down to pee.
Now ladies, when you sit down to pee, why can't you just sit down and pee?
Why do you have to sit down and go,
[EXCLAIMING] Oooohh!
Have you ever heard a woman peeing in the middle of the night?
It's the loudest thing you'll ever hear in your life.
What, are you cutting concrete in there?
[MACHINERY SOUNDS]
And then when she's done, she goes to flush,
but she fucks it up into half the flush, like,
Whoosh!
And I got to sit through two flush, whoosh, whoosh!
And she goes to wash her hands, and she knocks over a glass.
Shit!
And then...
Now she's done. And she storms back to the bedroom.
Storms back to the bedroom!
And she slams that bathroom door behind her so hard,
that it doesn't catch. It just bounces back open.
And this asshole left a light on in there.
So now there's a beam of light entering the bedroom.
And she's stomping her elephant ass back,
Boom! Boom! Boom!
She's a hundred ten pounds. I don't know where all her weight's coming from.
And instead of just getting back into bed like a normal human being,
no, for some reasons, she turns into a fucking Hulk Hogan when she's come back to bed.
I'm coming back to bed, brother!
Bash!
And she slams herself on the bed so hard that my entire body bounces up.
And then I go, hey, is everything okay?
Oh my god, did I wake you?
Yeah, bitch, you woke everybody on the northern hemisphere up.
Hiya there, buddy. What is your name, anyway?
Kevin.
Kevin. Oh, yeah.
Kevin and Edward, the Chinese guys.
Good, solid Chinese names.
What style of Asian are you, sir?
Me?
Yeah.
Filipino.
Filipino. Nice.
It's good. It's not a pep rally for the Filipinos.
I was just in the Philippines a few months ago. Have you been?
I have not.
Yeah. I didn't know that Indian people in the Philippines...
are such a villains.
Did you know this? Like, in the Philippines,
they vilified Indian people so bad,
they literally use Indian people as a threat.
To get their kids to go to sleep.
They're literally, like,
If you don't go to bed, the boombays will come at the night time.
And your blood will run down the streets.
How do we get such a shitty reputation over there?
I see white people, but I don't see, like, real proper Canadian white people,
you know what I mean?
Well, are you there? Where are the cakers?
Where are you sir? Oh, here we go.
All right, here we go, I miss you guys.
I love when I come back home. You know, I've been gone for ten years,
And, uh...
It's so weird, because you grow up, you're born and raised here.
And you don't notice things about it until you leave.
And I never really notice the Canadian accent until I left.
Now when I come home, that's all I fucking hear.
Like, if you really think about the Canadian accent, it sounds...
smart and dumb at the exact same time, doesn't it?
Oh Christ, look at you, eh? Oh, yeah!
Oh, oh yeah, are you back in town?
Oh no, it's a fucking hologram you're looking at, asshole.
Oh, no doubt, eh? No doubt, no doubt, eh?
Oh huh, fuck yeah! Oh hah!
Oh, fucking though! Oh, wow!
Why do people talk till they have no brother?
Oh, fuckers, they don't doubt though!
No doubt, eh? Oh, fuck, so you're gonna tape a new special, are you?
Oh, yeah.
Right on, right on.
Have you ever... I know you probably don't hear it.
Even when I'm doing it. "Well, it sounds normal to me."
But, you really got to pay attention.
Listen to a hockey player in an interview,
they always say and sound the exact same way.
Oh yeah, yeah, oh, ah. We got out there tonight,
and uh, coach says we need to get together and play more as a team, and uh...
you know, push the puck around, and uh, look for an opening,
and uh, and see the guy out there,
and uh, you know, pretty much have a good game of hockey.
No doubt, no doubt. Oh, yeah.
No fucking doubt, eh? Oh hoh, yeah.
You're born in Canada, right, sir?
Hello.
Are your parents from Canada, too?
Yeah.
Yes. That's the real Canadian.
That's, that's some chick, you should be like, yes!
We live in a weird time now, do you realize that?
We live in a time, where, especially in the US,
with the whole election shit going on.
They made a big deal out of race this year.
Which is weird because when Obama was in it, they didn't mention race once.
It's like, there's a black guy here, but I got to keep this shit quiet.
Black dude, are you a black guy right there?
I can't tell. You might be a dark-ass Indian guy.
I don't know. I'm asking it.
Are you a black guy?
Hello?
Does the mic not reach that way? Can you not...
You're a black guy?
I'm black and Indian guy.
You're a black and Indian guy? Oh, good, well...
You got the best of both worlds.
You can run fast and spell great.
So, um...
There's a black guy right there, too, right?
Black dude? You're a black guy, right? You know that.
I think... I don't think I need to...
How old are you anyway?
Thirty nine.
Thirty nine. See, you have to ask a black person their age.
You always have to ask. You can never guess a black person's age.
'Cause you will be wrong 100% of the time.
'Cause here's the thing with black people.
They just stop aging at some point.
Their body goes, fuck it!
This is all I'm gonna look.
But their insides keep aging, you know.
That's how you can tell a black person's age. After you ask them,
you can hear it in their voice. Their voice gets older.
And then their point of reference starts to get really obscure, you know?
What are you, like, forty?
Uh huh, baby!
I haven't been forty in about forty five years!
See, I don't age, right?
Ooh, they make one of the jitterbug!
That's why the black community and the police have such a hard time,
cause the cop could never describe a black man properly.
Well, the suspect is a black male between the age of 18 and 97.
Everything is race-based, you know?
And I mean, and that's fine for me. I make a living out of it, but...
One of it's a political side, you know.
You got Donald Trump saying crazy shit like, "No more immigrant!"
"Stop immigration!" I'm like, Donald Trump, if you stop immigration,
how are you gonna get another wife?
Two out of his three wives has been immigrants.
Two out of three!
And you know the funny thing is,
when people say "immigrant", they immediately just picture this room.
They just picture non-white people.
When you hear immigrant, you immediately picture brown, black, Asian.
Brown, black, Asian. That's all you picture.
You need to reassess that. You need to start picturing white people.
Look at Greg.
He'll take a regular white guy, but has an accent.
You didn't see that coming.
You need to start picturing white people with you immigrants.
Because they look like regular white people. What's your name, sir?
Hello.
No, the white guy behind you, Asian guy. There's another...
Me? Uh... My name is, uh...
"Not white guy."
Dan.
Dan? Dan.
You need to start picturing white immigrants. 'Cause they look just like you.
They look exactly like regular white people.
But when they open their mouth, and no English.
Nothing.
[MOCK EUROPEAN LANGUAGE]
You can always tell by looking at them, you know.
Look at white, regular white Canadians or white Americans,
they always look bored. Their body language. It's the body language. They always look like...
Like nothing impresses them, you know.
But, like, white immigrants, you look at their body language.
Electricity!
I can go bathroom indoors!
Who's going to clean the bucket?
You know, the good thing about my job is I get to travel around the world and see all kinds of things.
I've seen the whole world.
Is that your mom with your dad?
Hi, mom. How are you?
How old are you, mom?
Old enough to know better.
Old enough to know better. Well,
and old enough to start to forget. But...
Uh...
But...
Everyone's like, "Russell!"
I mean, she started it.
Um...
I'm really immature. My apologies.
You're obviously retired, I would hope?
Um... Did you travel at all? Have you gone around the world at all?
No.
No. You got to do it.
You got to go. Take Dan with you so he can fucking stare at things.
I'm fucking with you, Dan. I'm sorry, buddy.
But you got to, let me tell you something. I've been doing this for twenty seven years,
born and raised in Canada, I've been living in the US for ten years.
I've seen the entire world a few times now.
It's round. I don't know what...
I don't know how old you are and I don't know what you're taught. But it's round now.
It's, uh... Confirmed. Confirmed.
And, um...
It's a wonderful world we live in. It's a great place. And uh...
You got to go and see it, you know.
I, like, white people need to travel more. I think that's an issue, you know.
And by travel more, I don't mean like go to place like...
When I'm in the states, I ask "Do you travel?"
Oh yeah, I travel all over the place.
"Where do you go?" "Uh, Florida, New York, uh, Seattle."
I'm like, that's not fucking traveling. That's going in the country you live in.
Indian people try the same bullshit.
"Do you travel?" "Oh, I travel all the time."
I go to India and back. And...
That's not traveling!
You're Indian, and you go to India. That's not traveling.
That's going back to where the fuck you came from.
I remember growing up, when I was a kid,
when my family was going to India,
it was the most hush-hush operation.
It was like, my dad would give me a two days notice.
Son, in two days we're going to India.
Don't tell anybody.
Why not? "They'll want us to take the suitcase."
Having traveled the whole world, this whole beautiful world of ours,
and seeing everything from this people to...
I haven't gone to Egypt yet, but I don't mind to get them sort their shit out.
Um...
I've been to China, been to Hong Kong, been to Macau,
been to the Philippines.
I've been everywhere. Been to South Africa.
Not been to Italy. Not once.
You know, had an itchy dick because I was talking to them.
Oh, hey, wait...
But having traveled the whole world, let me tell you this.
I realize something.
I can only live in North America.
And, whether it's Canada or the US, doesn't bother me.
As long as I'm in this continent, I'm good.
But, if they're like, Russell, you can no longer living in North America. You must leave immediately.
The only other place I would consider living would be Bombay, India.
And, uh...
I tell you what. I love Bombay.
It's one of my favorite place in the entire world.
The reason why I love Bombay is because I love New York.
And Bombay reminds me of New York.
But with less Indian people in Bombay.
You gotta go to India, mom, you gotta go to India. Trust me on this.
Before it's all over, go to India.
And I'll tell you why you gotta go.
Because the five senses that you were born with,
have never been fully utilized.
Until you go to India.
And going to Brampton doesn't count. I mean India.
You go to India, you'll experience sight, sound, and smell in less than one minute.
You'll just be standing here.
[SOUNDS OF BOMBAY]
Did the sheep just fart and drive the train?
You ask me what the hell was that?
You gotta go. You gotta go to India.
And let's just say you go, right? So you go to Bombay,
I'll warn you in advance. There's a lot of people there.
A shit ton of people.
But it's not dangerous. So you don't have to worry about that.
But, say you get there and you get freaked out,
you're like, fuck this, I'm staying at my hotel room.
It's worth going there just to sit in your hotel room and watch the news.
Watching the news in India is the best thing you've ever seen in your life.
They have the craziest news you've ever seen in your life.
Like, if any one of those things that happen in India on a daily basis,
happen in America just once, America would shut down.
'Cause let's be honest. America loves to panic.
That's how they control the American people.
They feed them with all these lies and propaganda, that's how they...
The media controls the American people. That's how they think,
Oh, you'd better not leave America, 'cause look what they're doing over there.
Real crazy, you know.
They do. That's how they control the people with the media.
And you don't believe me? Remember a couple of years ago. Ebola.
Remember that? "Ebola! Shit, we're all going to die!"
I'm like, oh my god, how many people have it?
One guy!
But he's black and he's fast. We can't catch him!
And whenever anything bad happens in America, they always have this overly dramatic news cast.
It's a sad day for America.
And an even worse day...
for Americans.
We'll be right back after these messages.
And they always cut to my favorite commercial.
I'm Wolver Grimly. When I first found out about my diabetes,
I knew it would be a problem cause I came from non-diabetes.
You watch the news in India,
they deliver the worst news you've ever heard in your life so casually.
Today 743 people are dead,
as a bicycle collided with a goat.
Funeral services for the goat will be held this weekend,
followed by delicious gold curry.
Thank you very much, guys! You are awesome!
Good night!
Well, I've just rang!